28
Nov
2010
In which I give you a warning and make an announcement
Sometimes I blame my husband – he said his next wife would do it if I wouldn’t – but mostly I blame my daughter.
There is a point at about nine months when your child, if lucky, is sleeping, eating, crawling, happy and content. Easy to get around, they sit happily in a pram for ages at a time, allowing you to shop, have coffees, shop… so you decide this parenting thing is a lark, may as well have another one.
And so you get pregnant.
And then she wakes up and you discover it was all part of an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security and propagate the human race.
See, angelic daughter has decided she hates the pram. And the car. Not a huge fan of her cot either while we’re at it. And as for crawling round gently prodding her toys – she’d rather rip wine bottles out of the wine rack, pull appliances off the bench using the 1cm of cord you left dangling, launch herself out of her high chair, scale the stairs at 60kms an hour whenever your back is turned, and my personal favourite of which I never tire – empty out every drawer and cupboard she can lay her hands on. Especially neatly organised Christmas wrapping drawer, ensuring every single roll of ribbon is festively strewn around the living room and red tissue paper is poking suspiciously out of her mouth.
6
Sep
2010
Feel the fear (of rain) and do it anyway.
Children. Rain. Holidays. Could three words inspire more fear?
my alternative rain lifestyle
I love my children. Most of the time. Well, except when they are being really really really annoying. Or when it is raining and they are inside with me. ALL DAY. Despite the fact that it is September and supposedly not yet winter, we need to remember that this is England and there is a lot of rain. And cold. Even in summer. So they are inside with me. And when I say with me – I mean crawling over me, tugging my legs, putting their sticky little fingers all over my cream couches (I know, but it was before kids ok) and kicking their grubby little feet into my computer screen. I may well be going mental. Just mildly and quite quietly (depending on who you ask) but mental all the same.
17
May
2010
Gina Ford – the case FOR.
Do not set one of those up in your back garden to burn books. This would be weird.
Oh my god, my pulse is racing, my heart is beating faster and I can hear Jacqui yelling from Madrid. It’s that time. Time for the post I have been thinking about since we started the blog. The Dame Gina Ford post.
If you’ve had a child in the past ten odd years in the UK or Australia, you’d have to be a bit lacking in eyes and/or ears to have missed one of her books on the parenting bookshelves, seen referenece to her methods on the internet or heard mention of her routines from other parents. The most popular book is The Very Contented Baby, but there are various follow-ups including The Contented Baby with Toddler.
At the outset, I need to divulge something that might already be obvious – I love Gina. There, I’ve said it. It’s out there. Let the stabbings commence and the bags full of poo start arriving on our doorstep, but it is true – her methods have worked like an incredible charm for our family and Gina (or The Big G (TBG) as we prefer to call her) rules the child routine roost around at our pad.
15
Apr
2010
Desperate Measures
Everyone’s heard the one about the parents who have fallen in to the trap of only being able to get their baby to sleep to the motion of the car, and consequently end up spending hours in the middle of the night driving around the neighbourhood to get a screaming and desperately tired baby to sleep.
I have a cousin who had a very colicky baby and discovered that her baby’s screaming came to a sudden and unexpected halt at the sound of the oven fan. They spent a lot of time at the oven. Just not cooking.
21
Mar
2010
Things I have learnt about travelling with kids – part one, the airplane ride. AKA Dante’s vision of Hell.
See that flying thing in the background - that is your child. See those two people in the foreground? You. Possibly attacking an air hostess.
A good friend of mine once commented that you learn something more about travelling with kids every time you do it. I scoffed at the time as how much really can there be to learn? I’ve travelled with a kid long haul and two kids a few times. But now, yes Mill, I think you are right. The little buggers keep growing and their needs changing. As opposed to me, since for about fifteen years now I have been happy with a very short list of travel requirements: business class flights, 5 star resorts and child free swimming pools. And one day I’ll actually achieve it, I’m sure.
Anyway, I have learnt much in this last trip. Far too much – as I have two children and know everything there is to know about child rearing, I am gobsmacked, but it is true, there are things I wish I had known before taking the trip. You know how flying was really boring before you have kids? It’s not so much boring now as some sort of sub-Saharan African sand running marathon endurance event. On the plus side, having experienced it too many times now, flying without them means that even the most budget of airline economy seats feels like business class which is an unexpected bonus not mentioned in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Cover the big stuff people.
10
Jan
2010
Things I forgot about having a newborn – part two
This is me.
For those of you who didn’t read my earlier brilliant analysis – here is a link. I almost forgot to write a second part. Yes, I do see the irony in that. (Is that actually irony? In amongst the whole Alanis Morisette irony debacle I think I actually forgot the real meaning). Anyhoo, I’m four months in now and still my brain is remembering things that I had forgotten. Call it baby brain, call it Mother Nature’s insidious way of getting you to have another one, call it my memory was never that good to start with. Whatever, here are some more…
1. If you are a freakish nerd trying to get your beloved child into a routine, they are extremely difficult to keep awake for soooooo long. And then suddenly one day you realise you haven’t had to walk them outside all day and they’ve been playing on their mat happily for half an hour without passing out arms up and legs akimbo. It’s about this stage you can start to really get into day time telly. Just don’t get sprung by your husband watching it with a bag of crisps on the couch and the baby on their playmat in the corner. What? No, didn’t happen to me. I hate TV. And crisps. Mmmmmmcrisps.
1
Jan
2010
Sleep training – for mothers
OK, here’s my situation. My mummy has had me for almost seven months. The first few months were great — I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like it’s pretty common after mummies have had us for around six months. Here’s the thing: these mummies don’t really NEED to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had over 30 years to sleep — they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle. It goes like this:
Night 1 – cry every three hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your mummy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.
Night 2 – cry every two hours until you get fed.
Night 3 – every hour.
1
Nov
2009
Things I forgot about having a newborn – part 1
They are very very small. I haven’t run into one parent yet who doesn’t exclaim ‘Oh, I forgot how small they are!’ I understand when you’ve got older children but someone who had a three month old baby said it to me the other day. She’s forgotten already? Maybe it’s a hormonal thing… - They don’t do much. Dare I venture that they are a weeny bit dull? I might get struck down by the motherhood gods for saying that, but honestly – they sleep, they eat, they make funny faces. The sum total of their skills is the occasional coo and a grimace that might, just might, be a smile if one was squinting in the right light.
- They poo. A lot. But it doesn’t smell that bad. Someone told me once it was like popcorn - would we say popcorn?? I wouldn’t go that far but it’s not that bad.
- When they do smile it’s pretty amazing.
- They have acne, bags under their eyes and goopy stuff up their nose. It is very hard to resist from squeezing acne and picking their noses. Possibly that is just me.
