4
Aug
2011
Craft is the only way you will truly feel like a real mother.
It’s finally happened. Today I did craft. I am sorry it has been so long since I have written a post. I am even sorrier that it has taken craft to get me to put pen to paper. Or finger to keyboard. But such is my life right at present that craft has actually done it.
Let me not offend those crafty types amongst us. I have the utmost admiration for crafty people, with their scrapbooks and fabric and natty little sewing machines, whipping up natty little crafty things. But craft is not for me. I don’t have a natty little bone in my body. My handwriting is so bad that I got extra time in my final school exams to rewrite my essays. And if my handwriting is so bad, you can only imagine what my drawing is like. It’s a combination of very little patience, even less of an artistic eye and a solid belief (grounded in reality) that anything I attempt will generally end in a bloody finger, lots of swear words and something that frankly, looks like crap that my three year old could have made. And this is from a child that thinks drawing a black dot on a piece of paper and sticky taping it to his chest means he is wearing a superhero badge.
21
Nov
2010
Not a good week in the mothering stakes
with any luck, I won't end up in these
We had gastro round here last week. Or more precisely – I had gastro. Everyone else had a touch (clearly a touch was almost death’s door for husband) and got through with a day or so of feeling unwell. I, however, spent the better part of nine days lying prostrate wherever the moment took me – on the sofa, on my bed, on the bedroom floor, on the front step (much to the confusion of both the 90 year old next door neighbour and the Italian parking attendant).
9
Nov
2010
It starts with pirates.
A while ago the lovely Gigi from mumsrock asked me to write a piece for her cool site. Obviously I told her that if she paid me a large fee, gave me the copyright and licensing fees then I might be able to manage something. Or maybe I just said ‘sure, when would you like it?’ I can’t quite remember. Anyway, the piece is up at the mumsrock site now, and here it is below for your reading pleasure…..
I’ve got pirates on my fridge. No, not some weird Johnny Depp type apparition – fridge magnet pirates. I used to have a study. The place where I used to sit and write witty and informative pieces on the state of the world. It now houses a cardboard box car, a wheely ladybird, several sacks of leftover sandpit sand and three hundred and seventy two pieces of puzzle waiting to be sorted. Possibly three hundred and seventy three. I am the Queen of Minimalism. I can’t bear nick-nacks and I’ve only just come around to having my fruit bowl on display. That’s been something of a breakthrough. So it has come as possibly the worst shock of motherhood (just before the horror of ugly nappy bags and the indignity of the electric breast pump) to find out that the main aim of the little buggers blighters is to TAKE OVER YOUR HOUSE.
30
Aug
2010
Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions #2
I know people were awestruck at the brilliance of last week’s invention, but this week you are TOTALLY going to want to invest in my Genius Child-Rearing Inventions Company. Ltd. So here we go…
DRESSING RACK
Not much like this.
You know when you have a wriggly child? A horrible-painful-won’t-stay-still-for-thirty-seconds small person aged anywhere between 9 months and 4 years? Yes yes, so cute to look at and adorable lisp, but SO annoying to dress. So here is your answer – a wooden rack. Yes, I know what you’re all thinking – child abuse rah rah rah. Two words for you – what. ever. You are going to be SO jealous when you see my little wooden thing where you simply slot the child in the top and they are held immobile with limbs flapping out the sides, ready to slip on shoes, socks, hats and jumpers. For a Genius Inventor I know I am not massively good at explaining how things might work, but if you think about it more like a giant Connect 4 game rather than a torture rack you might get the idea. Except the children won’t have to be flat. Or painted orange and blue. Just normal children, only held in a wooden rack ready to be dressed.
You know you want one.
25
Aug
2010
At what point will people laugh at me in the streets? The wearing of leather trousers.
baaaaaaaaaa
So I had a long post written this evening all about the hell of school holidays. (I may still post it, it’s mildly diverting awesome, so look out for it. Witty and insightful.) Then I was going to write about the political stalemate in Australia. (Not really, although obviously I have been contacted a lot with my political pundit background). But then I decided that I need to be true to myself. What do they always say – write about what you know? So I’m writing about a big issue that has been plaguing me all week. Leather trousers. I know – you thought we were covering the big issues before, what with soccer kisses and Ikea, but we have got even MORE highbrow.
Specifically, can a mother in her mid-30s (at what point do your mid thirties become your late thirties? I think 39 personally) get away with leather trousers? Even more specifically:
- In what area of her life will she be wearing them? Will she ever actually put them on or will they be assigned to what her husband refers to as the ‘aspirational’ section of her wardrobe? Alongside the summer garden party frocks (I live in England), the white trousers (I have children) and the 6 inch velvet heels (although how good would these look with the leather trousers? VERY good, that’s how good.)
2
Aug
2010
Why I am an awesome parent – my new parenting philosophy
ideal parenting position
A male friend of mine sent a group email with the MOST fabulous article this week about ‘idle parenting’. It sparked much comment and a whole new language. The opening sentence of the article by my new hero Tom Hodgkinson sums up the whole concept:
Cancel all clubs, ditch the after-school activities and leave those kids alone.
In other brilliant highlights, the article includes gems such as:
a lazy parent is a good parent
A lot can be achieved by lying in bed. Simply by doing nothing, you can train children to do useful things.
My kids are happy because we’re happy.” Do not suffer. Enjoy your life.
I had no idea that I was already subscribing to such a widespread and legitimate* child raising methodology. But I am loving it.
6
Jun
2010
Sophie – baby’s first status symbol? And our very first giveaway.
This is her. Skinny, Parisian and chic.
I don’t know if it has hit other parts of the world yet, but here in Europe if you don’t own Sophie, you may as well stay home – or stay hidden underneath the sun protector in your buggy or other baby anti-humiliation techniques. There is no way you could face life in the sandpit without knowing that you had Sophie waiting for you at home. Yes my friends – it’s not about highchairs or cots or even your designer buggy – if you don’t own Sophie La Giraffe, you are nobody.
Furthermore, if you don’t buy your baby one immediately, you are probably sentencing your child to a lifetime of lunches alone and dodgy denim choices (I have no memories like this to relate to, only ever having been seen wearing cool, up to the minute, always in fashion jeans. Cough denim hotpants cough).
But why? Why this French phenomenon? There are fifty five million different squeezy toys for babies (I counted), what makes Soph different? I’ll hazard a few (dodgy) guesses….
- She is French. Probably Parisian. And female. All Parisian women are skinny, chic, classic and colour coordinated. So is Sophie.
11
May
2010
These are a few of my favourite things….PICTURE BOOKS
My favourite book. Get your hands on it.
Or so the song goes. These are actually a few of my favourite children’s picture books for the under 5s. I know, I know, there are literally thousands of wonderful books, and as clever and efficient as I am, I haven’t quite got through them all. Astounding I realise.
My requirements for being added to this illustrious list include gorgeous illustrations, fun or charming stories (a sense of humour doesn’t go astray) and something that I don’t want to set fire to the fortieth time I read it. And I have to admit a terrible bias towards Australian books here – I don’t know if it’s because some of them reflect my own childhood stories, or their cheekiness just appeals to me, but I have to put it out there.
So to keep you going while I make my way through every single children’s book in the world, here are some of my favourites:
- Wanted: The Perfect Pet – this is probably my favourite book ever. Mainly for the over 2s but good for a few years after that due to the detail, it is very funny, very sweet, very engaging and has lovely line-style drawings. It also provides good scope for me to show off the breadth of my story reading skills. Love it.
3
May
2010
By popular demand – THE BABY LIST. Essentials and almost essentials to buy.
This is like a picture of me at the dentist. I know - bad hair day.
Ages ago I wrote a post about baby things I had bought that I had wasted money on. I made a rash promise to post my spreadsheet of things that you SHOULD buy. Four months later I am coming good with my promise. I know. I’m reliable like that. You should hear my promises to my dentist – they are nothing short of inspiring and involve trips to hygienists, dental floss and 45 degree brushing angles.
Anyway, I digress. I know that interesting dentistry anecdotes is a post in itself but baby stuff I promised and baby stuff you shall have. There are many many things to buy when you are having a baby. And many many shops and online stores from which to buy these essentials. I say essentials. In actual fact, apart from a cot, a pram and some clothes, you’d be hard pressed to say anything was truly essential. But we are what we are. Well, actually, I am what I am. You may well be a far more worthy and green type person who buys the minimum, recycles stuff, freecycles it back into the community and is generally a better, kinder and more annoying person than me. If you are, can I suggest you stop reading? I think you will not enjoy my list of essentials.
3
Mar
2010
Cots – a life behind bars?
So here’s a question for all of you far more experienced people than me – what’s with the ‘big boy bed’ business? Two and a half year old son is still in a cot. I know – HORRIFYING. Many people can’t get over the fact and I am sure they are whispering about poor downtrodden son behind my back.
I have stayed in various different locations over the past few months and the question is always the same – is he in a bed yet? The answer is no, he is not.
So tell me, am I running the risk of a child used to gazing upwards at people forever? Will the bars scar him for life and ensure he is well primed for a life of incarceration? Thus far, he seems perfectly content in his cot, and no signs of him whipping off with the family silver just yet. Then again, if you ask English Captain Sensible, most Aussies return to their convict form at some stage anyway.
