9
Nov
2009
Pregnancy massages – or why there is discrimination in the world’s leading expert field.
I consider myself a bit of an expert on pregnancy massages. Not one of the world’s leading experts or anything. Although I would be more than willing to throw my hat in the ring for the role. Except if it involved being pregnant again. Which it probably would. Surely that’s discrimination or something? I should email the people in charge of giving out these World’s Leading Expert roles and point out my skill set – surely someone could run it up a flagpole for discussion? I’m very good at thinking outside the box and being strategic. ANYWAY.
The best pregnancy massages I ever had were at Body Freedom in Melbourne. Just a smallish salon but my god, do they know their fat-bellied women. Seriously good stuff. None of this hole in a table business – beautiful body length pillows and crisp white sheets on a comfy futon. I don’t know if she’s still there, but Jacqui has magic fingers and makes you feel all floppy and sleepy – the sign of a good massage for me (even though those World’s Leading Experts people don’t know a good thing when it emails them).
8
Nov
2009
Pre-natal classes in need of an overhaul
Photo credit: Babymama, Universal Pictures
Someone needs to throw me a line here so I can stop scaring the shit out of my friends and tell me that, yes, there are some pre-natal classes that are actually useful. Because mine was 100% completely and utterly useless.
The breathing classes were totally lame. L.A.M.E. We’re trying to reduce the pain of child birth here, not a paper cut. What sane person thinks a little in and out breathing is going to achieve anything? AND, how the hell do they expect us to remember five different breathing exercises each with it’s own little stages? In through the mouth, out through the nose, at 10 seconds change, change to out through the nose and in through the mouth, at 30 seconds change, reverse, slower, faster, now shallow, now deep…Oh COME ON. What am I going to do, write it on my palm when my waters break? P-lease. Plus, anyway, even if I did want to do anything as ridiculous as write notes on my palm for childbirth, which I totally wouldn’t, the little parabolic graphs with the different breathing changes at each stage of the contraction wouldn’t fit so I would have to, I don’t know, wear those giant hands people take to the cricket, and THEN write the notes on there. Which, obviously, takes impracticality to a whole new level.
1
Nov
2009
Things I forgot about having a newborn – part 1
They are very very small. I haven’t run into one parent yet who doesn’t exclaim ‘Oh, I forgot how small they are!’ I understand when you’ve got older children but someone who had a three month old baby said it to me the other day. She’s forgotten already? Maybe it’s a hormonal thing… - They don’t do much. Dare I venture that they are a weeny bit dull? I might get struck down by the motherhood gods for saying that, but honestly – they sleep, they eat, they make funny faces. The sum total of their skills is the occasional coo and a grimace that might, just might, be a smile if one was squinting in the right light.
- They poo. A lot. But it doesn’t smell that bad. Someone told me once it was like popcorn - would we say popcorn?? I wouldn’t go that far but it’s not that bad.
- When they do smile it’s pretty amazing.
- They have acne, bags under their eyes and goopy stuff up their nose. It is very hard to resist from squeezing acne and picking their noses. Possibly that is just me.
6
Aug
2009
Wall Stickers – Decorating the Nursery, Low Maintenance Style
I was eagerly awaiting the legendary nesting stage in the late stages of my pregnancy to see myself transformed into a fabulously feminine and motivated domestic goddess type person but instead of a full butterfly like transformation I experienced a small fluttering of domesticity by way of an urge to buy stuff. Which I am pretty sure was there before. But this time it was, at least, an urge to buy stuff for the transformation of the office like spare room into something more like a babies room. I say it was a nesting urge nonetheless. Yay. I am woman.
This urge to decorate the nursery resulted in trying out wall stickers. My perception of wall stickers before my personal venture into this entirely new world was that they were the kind of not very cool thing people who also knit “there´s no place like home” wall hangings and embroider doiles might use to “brighten up a room” by, say, creating borders and floral features on walls with stencils. Naturally the pervayers of these wall stickers would also be into lavender and purple in general. However, I have discovered wall stickers (or decals) are part of a whole world of very cool designs and interior decorating. For me it’s turned out to be one of those things that until you’d heard about them, well you hadn’t heard about them… and then when you start looking into it you wonder how you could have missed it. There are a LOT of sites where you can buy wall stickers (or decals) and the amount of choice online means you can find far more interesting designs than cheesy kids cartoons – which are the wall stickers you tend to see more of in your average home decorating store collection – if you can find one at all.
