10
Oct
2010
KATE’S GENIUS CHILD-REARING INVENTIONS #3
this is surely the next step
Here is part three of my genius inventions. I have been approached to write a book about them so you’ll have to excuse me while I slip into a red carpet outfit and go outside to pave my front step with gold. It will be a very small book. Maybe a pamphlet. OK, my mate said he’d photocopy them but I am sure gold comes soon after that. Anyway, I give you…..
Toddler Art
You know people say they want to bottle it? I don’t want to bottle it, I want to frame it. I think Son’s temper tantrums belong in a gallery. Specifically, one of those wanky modern art galleries where you’re not sure but you think the man standing by the wall might be part of the art, and you’re pretty sure that’s not an air-conditioning unit but a multi-million dollar ‘piece’. Yes, my Son’s temper tantrums could be art installation in themselves. I shall call yesterday’s installation ‘Boy Screams For An Hour After Being Denied Plain Yoghurt Following Multiple Sticking Fingers in Yoghurt Infractions’. It will reflect man’s inhumanity to man, denying a child his basic human rights and the impact that denial has on the world at large (sore ears, guilt, a few guffaws).
22
Aug
2010
Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions #1
I have often been described as a genius. By often, I mean I think I heard a teacher say it once. Possibly she said pest. No, definitely genius. Anyway, I present to you the first in my eagerly anticipated series – Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions. These are things that I have never seen in a shop – possibly as they may cause injury – but DEFINITELY should be in a shop. People would buy these things.
Pop-up remote controlled electric fence.
A little less violent
You know when you’re in a park. Or a coffee shop or a circus. And you have a small child running in the wrong direction. Or crawling away as fast as their little legs can move? And you really want to finish the end of JUST ONE sentence before interrupting your conversation to drag them back to the designated zone? This is where you whip out your remote control, press the buzzer and a child proof forcefield is erected. Nothing too violent – it wouldn’t give them an electric shock (that’s part of my invention #21) – would just keep them in a defined area, unable to disappear behind a faraway hedge, smear ice-cream on any one’s leather sofa or empty salt out of every salt shaker behind the waiter’s station.
