5
Jun
2011
Newborn baby fug review – iBaby feed
Not me
No, I’m not actually writing a review of my new baby. Although if I was, it would be quite glowing at this point. Apart from her propensity to cause scream-out-loud-pain to my left nipple. (Sorry, that noise you heard? That was the sound of our twenty male readers rushing out the door – yes, you may run, but you can’t hide from the screams you can probably hear from West London).
So I’m pretty much head over nappy in the 10 day old new-born fug. Forgive me please if I cannot wax lyrical this week on the situation in Syria as I might usually do on these hallowed pink pages. And I fear my cutting edge wit has deserted me a little in a haze of washing little white bodysuits, sleeping bolt upright with iPhone in hand, lying on the couch eating reverse double choc chip cookies (how I loathe you so, your sweet sweet reverse white choc chip evilness) oh, and managing aforementioned nipple pain (keep on walkin’ guys).
27
Sep
2010
What to expect when you’re expecting. Or rather – what to do when you’re expecting. Except that doesn’t sound nearly as catchy.
Which may well be why the authors of What to Expect are undoubtedly gazillionaires and I am writing a pink blog.
I have a couple of friends recently who have announced their first pregnancies. Naturally they have turned to someone as wise and insightful as me to advise
them as they take their first tentative steps into the world of bulging stomachs and weeing incessentaly. Or rather, one of them said ‘you must have a nerdy spreadsheet for this sort of thing.’ Au contraire my tubby little friend – I don’t have a single spreadsheet, I have several. And lots of posts. But I guess I have never summarised it all into a neat little package of a posty thing – so here it is, my guide to WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW? Apart from all the medical/hospitaly/birthy stuff of course…
- Panic. You are bringing a new person into the world. Much can go wrong and you’re probably already well on the way to f*cking up your kid’s life already. Nice one. Oh, ok, disregard that one – here’s the real list….
20
Jun
2010
Recovering from the ‘other kind’ of birth
It does not take this many openings - I swear.
I am a small-time c-section veteran, having got two babies up and out ‘through the sun roof’. Not on my own you understand – there were a few doctors and nurses, but basically I am tough and brave. As an obsessive planner, the second time round when I knew I was having another one, I did some serious research. I also bought a lot of unnecessary gear and freaked out a lot. Even if you’re planning the most natural of natural births, stuff happens sometimes and it always pays to freak out in advance. Oh wait – is that right? Anyway, based on absolutely no medical experience whatsoever (although I have watched a LOT of Gray’s Anatomy which is pretty much the same thing), here are my personal top tips for recovering from a c-section:
1
Jun
2010
And somewhere along the line I fell in love
ALERT: TOTALLY SOPPY POST COMING UP. AVERT EYES IF NECESSARY
So you know how all those movies and TV shows and chicklit books describe the moment you meet your baby and you fall instantly in love? Completely and utterly, beside yourself immediately, in love? If you don’t know those books and TV shows and movies then good on you, you probably spend your time reading worthy, didactic tomes about apartheid in South Africa and tutoring the underprivileged (which begs the question about why you are reading this blog, but we’ll take anyone).
Anyway, you know that instant love feeling? Well, nope. Not me.
When number one came along, sure I felt protective. He was also very cute (massive head notwithstanding) and I was keen to look after him the best I possibly could. We spent hours marvelling at the fact that we had MADE THAT LIMB. I know, the first people EVER to create life – I know how clever we are. But overwhelming, tear inducing love at first sight? Nope. Am I weird?
3
May
2010
By popular demand – THE BABY LIST. Essentials and almost essentials to buy.
This is like a picture of me at the dentist. I know - bad hair day.
Ages ago I wrote a post about baby things I had bought that I had wasted money on. I made a rash promise to post my spreadsheet of things that you SHOULD buy. Four months later I am coming good with my promise. I know. I’m reliable like that. You should hear my promises to my dentist – they are nothing short of inspiring and involve trips to hygienists, dental floss and 45 degree brushing angles.
Anyway, I digress. I know that interesting dentistry anecdotes is a post in itself but baby stuff I promised and baby stuff you shall have. There are many many things to buy when you are having a baby. And many many shops and online stores from which to buy these essentials. I say essentials. In actual fact, apart from a cot, a pram and some clothes, you’d be hard pressed to say anything was truly essential. But we are what we are. Well, actually, I am what I am. You may well be a far more worthy and green type person who buys the minimum, recycles stuff, freecycles it back into the community and is generally a better, kinder and more annoying person than me. If you are, can I suggest you stop reading? I think you will not enjoy my list of essentials.
10
Jan
2010
Things I forgot about having a newborn – part two
This is me.
For those of you who didn’t read my earlier brilliant analysis – here is a link. I almost forgot to write a second part. Yes, I do see the irony in that. (Is that actually irony? In amongst the whole Alanis Morisette irony debacle I think I actually forgot the real meaning). Anyhoo, I’m four months in now and still my brain is remembering things that I had forgotten. Call it baby brain, call it Mother Nature’s insidious way of getting you to have another one, call it my memory was never that good to start with. Whatever, here are some more…
1. If you are a freakish nerd trying to get your beloved child into a routine, they are extremely difficult to keep awake for soooooo long. And then suddenly one day you realise you haven’t had to walk them outside all day and they’ve been playing on their mat happily for half an hour without passing out arms up and legs akimbo. It’s about this stage you can start to really get into day time telly. Just don’t get sprung by your husband watching it with a bag of crisps on the couch and the baby on their playmat in the corner. What? No, didn’t happen to me. I hate TV. And crisps. Mmmmmmcrisps.
22
Dec
2009
The dad’s role in pregnancy.
a pathetic attempt to appeal to the males
I wrote a whole post about Christmas traditions. Then the Captain told me he was over Christmas. And my traditions. Hmm, thought maybe the rest of the world was too (yes, I am aware that not EVERYONE in the world is reading our blog – more fool them) and I am all about pleasing the readers. One of his friends had some helpful suggestions about how I could improve the male readership of this blog. The key one was introducing sports coverage – specifically, blow by blow accounts of any event where England is playing Australia. Probably not going to happen today, but you’ll know when I start cutting and pasting the BBC sports coverage that things have got dire.
In the meantime – how about some thoughts on the male role in pregnancy? There are any number of books on the topic and hundreds of articles written every year. Most of them focus on loving support. It’s true, loving supportiveness is good, but there are some more specific steps you can take to ensure you remain the father of your unborn child. So here are Kate’s top tips on how you can be the best pregnancy person ever:
20
Dec
2009
Things I have wasted money on
If you ask my husband — most of my wardrobe, half the bathroom cabinet, all of my top drawer, the spice cupboard, the bottom three shelves of the bookshelf and everything in my half of the CD rack — falls into this category. But for the purposes of this post I will keep it to Items I Have Bought for Children or Childbearing Purposes. Also known as Things Kate’s Friends Should Have Told Her.
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8
Nov
2009
Pre-natal classes in need of an overhaul
Photo credit: Babymama, Universal Pictures
Someone needs to throw me a line here so I can stop scaring the shit out of my friends and tell me that, yes, there are some pre-natal classes that are actually useful. Because mine was 100% completely and utterly useless.
The breathing classes were totally lame. L.A.M.E. We’re trying to reduce the pain of child birth here, not a paper cut. What sane person thinks a little in and out breathing is going to achieve anything? AND, how the hell do they expect us to remember five different breathing exercises each with it’s own little stages? In through the mouth, out through the nose, at 10 seconds change, change to out through the nose and in through the mouth, at 30 seconds change, reverse, slower, faster, now shallow, now deep…Oh COME ON. What am I going to do, write it on my palm when my waters break? P-lease. Plus, anyway, even if I did want to do anything as ridiculous as write notes on my palm for childbirth, which I totally wouldn’t, the little parabolic graphs with the different breathing changes at each stage of the contraction wouldn’t fit so I would have to, I don’t know, wear those giant hands people take to the cricket, and THEN write the notes on there. Which, obviously, takes impracticality to a whole new level.
12
Sep
2009
We had a girl!
As of last week
Kate is a proud mother of two! The latest addition to the onedayyoullthankme gang is a lovely little girl. Kate reports from the new-born-baby frontline that things are going better than expected. Although her love of forward planning has backfired somewhat after assuming that second child would be similarly ginormous size as the first and buying large baby clothes for her. In fact the baby is on the petite side and consequently, according to Mum, she has passed her first few days looking “like a bald chicken in giant clothes”. Which, whilst wasn’t the fashion forward start Kate had hoped for, sounds very cute. Congratulations to Kate, Captain Sensible and Big Brother (who, in the lifelong tradition of big brothers will hopefully be hatching new ways to torture little sister as soon as possible)!
