4
Aug
2011
Craft is the only way you will truly feel like a real mother.
It’s finally happened. Today I did craft. I am sorry it has been so long since I have written a post. I am even sorrier that it has taken craft to get me to put pen to paper. Or finger to keyboard. But such is my life right at present that craft has actually done it.
Let me not offend those crafty types amongst us. I have the utmost admiration for crafty people, with their scrapbooks and fabric and natty little sewing machines, whipping up natty little crafty things. But craft is not for me. I don’t have a natty little bone in my body. My handwriting is so bad that I got extra time in my final school exams to rewrite my essays. And if my handwriting is so bad, you can only imagine what my drawing is like. It’s a combination of very little patience, even less of an artistic eye and a solid belief (grounded in reality) that anything I attempt will generally end in a bloody finger, lots of swear words and something that frankly, looks like crap that my three year old could have made. And this is from a child that thinks drawing a black dot on a piece of paper and sticky taping it to his chest means he is wearing a superhero badge.
10
Jul
2011
Top 5 Comments New Mums Would Rather Not Hear
I’ve just rounded out 6 months of new motherhood (actually the second new motherhood, if you know what I mean) and Kate 6 weeks, so I thought it would be timely to give you my list of top 5 things new Mums don’t like to hear.
- When are you due? I think we all understand why this is number 1. No need to draw a picture. Only marginally better than the straight out, not quite as innocent and far more direct, “God you’ve still got quite a stomach, when does it go down?”
- Is that your grandson? GUTTING. I saw an actual real life exchange of this very nature. “No, this is my son” came restrained answer through gritted teeth as veins visibly throbbed in the neck. As a helpless bystander to this train wreck I mentally tried to stop the words as they came out of the offender’s mouth and jam them back in from whence they came, visualising myself goalkeeper style diving to catch them before they reached the victim’s ears. Alas, there was no hope. Those words slammed like a freight train in to new mum’s stomach so hard you could almost hear the air knocked out of her.
5
Jun
2011
Newborn baby fug review – iBaby feed
Not me
No, I’m not actually writing a review of my new baby. Although if I was, it would be quite glowing at this point. Apart from her propensity to cause scream-out-loud-pain to my left nipple. (Sorry, that noise you heard? That was the sound of our twenty male readers rushing out the door – yes, you may run, but you can’t hide from the screams you can probably hear from West London).
So I’m pretty much head over nappy in the 10 day old new-born fug. Forgive me please if I cannot wax lyrical this week on the situation in Syria as I might usually do on these hallowed pink pages. And I fear my cutting edge wit has deserted me a little in a haze of washing little white bodysuits, sleeping bolt upright with iPhone in hand, lying on the couch eating reverse double choc chip cookies (how I loathe you so, your sweet sweet reverse white choc chip evilness) oh, and managing aforementioned nipple pain (keep on walkin’ guys).
6
May
2011
Totally stolen but extraordinary post – ‘mama bear gone rabid’
Last week when I was writing about mental women in waiting rooms talking to their children, I looked and looked for a post I remembered from a great blog but couldn’t find it anywhere. Tonight I did. And I have to post it. Because it is HILARIOUS. And if you don’t think it is funny-stroke-extraordinary, perhaps we need to rethink our friendship. So the following was stolen from the blog Jenn But Never Jenn….
I don’t dislike kids, but I can admit that I’m not really a child-drawn person. My friends’ kids are all cool, but the average baby or kid I pass on the street? I’m sure they’re lovely, but I’m not really interested. Just as I’m not going to run over to an adult I don’t know and start chatting with them, I’m not going to bend over and start making idiotic sing-songy noises at your kid. I don’t even particularly notice them, to be honest. It’s nothing personal.
Similarly, I’m not going to crap myself when a random child is in my presence at a restaurant, on an airplane, or hogging up valuable aisle space with his or her stroller. They have the right to be there just as I do. It’s not a big deal. I imagine a lot of people feel the same way.
24
Apr
2011
Mentalness – and why you should choose the old woman not the normal looking person
I have one important question I keep coming back to this week – does having a new-born baby mean you automatically go mental?
Would not have surprised
The standard cliché suggests that all mothers go a bit doolally. Which could be true. Apart from me obviously. And readers of this blog. But personally I think it’s just those who are inherently loopy to start with – I mean, I am sure I have my mad moments as a parent – but I SWEAR for some people, the meeting of sperm and egg totally rouses their inner craziness until it bursts out loud and proud at about the same time as their placenta.
I sat in an antenatal clinic this week for an hour. When sizing up the waiting room prior to taking my seat (something I like to do at length from a secret vantage point, such is my fear of a stranger smiling at me, or god forbid, striking up a conversation), I decided against the slightly ferocious looking grey-haired 50 year old woman (I’m not sure what she was doing in an antenatal clinic either) and chose the very normal looking woman in her gym clothes with a McLaren buggy at her side.
28
Nov
2010
In which I give you a warning and make an announcement
Sometimes I blame my husband – he said his next wife would do it if I wouldn’t – but mostly I blame my daughter.
There is a point at about nine months when your child, if lucky, is sleeping, eating, crawling, happy and content. Easy to get around, they sit happily in a pram for ages at a time, allowing you to shop, have coffees, shop… so you decide this parenting thing is a lark, may as well have another one.
And so you get pregnant.
And then she wakes up and you discover it was all part of an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security and propagate the human race.
See, angelic daughter has decided she hates the pram. And the car. Not a huge fan of her cot either while we’re at it. And as for crawling round gently prodding her toys – she’d rather rip wine bottles out of the wine rack, pull appliances off the bench using the 1cm of cord you left dangling, launch herself out of her high chair, scale the stairs at 60kms an hour whenever your back is turned, and my personal favourite of which I never tire – empty out every drawer and cupboard she can lay her hands on. Especially neatly organised Christmas wrapping drawer, ensuring every single roll of ribbon is festively strewn around the living room and red tissue paper is poking suspiciously out of her mouth.
10
Oct
2010
KATE’S GENIUS CHILD-REARING INVENTIONS #3
this is surely the next step
Here is part three of my genius inventions. I have been approached to write a book about them so you’ll have to excuse me while I slip into a red carpet outfit and go outside to pave my front step with gold. It will be a very small book. Maybe a pamphlet. OK, my mate said he’d photocopy them but I am sure gold comes soon after that. Anyway, I give you…..
Toddler Art
You know people say they want to bottle it? I don’t want to bottle it, I want to frame it. I think Son’s temper tantrums belong in a gallery. Specifically, one of those wanky modern art galleries where you’re not sure but you think the man standing by the wall might be part of the art, and you’re pretty sure that’s not an air-conditioning unit but a multi-million dollar ‘piece’. Yes, my Son’s temper tantrums could be art installation in themselves. I shall call yesterday’s installation ‘Boy Screams For An Hour After Being Denied Plain Yoghurt Following Multiple Sticking Fingers in Yoghurt Infractions’. It will reflect man’s inhumanity to man, denying a child his basic human rights and the impact that denial has on the world at large (sore ears, guilt, a few guffaws).
3
Oct
2010
Mind the Bump – why you MUST avoid overalls in pregnancy and other essential maternity clothes tips
THE STORY OF THE POST
you need some maternity clothes. Seriously, a leaf is not going to cut it.
This is a long post with zero interest to anyone bar the newly pregnant. But I enjoy shopping, and embrace every new opportunity to shop, so my two pregnancies gave me a WHOLE new genre to investigate. The joy. So it’s long. But I figure if you’re first time pregnant you’ll be interested. And if you’re not, you won’t read any of it, so I can whittle on for pages without shame and if you’re really just interested in looking at things for yourself without my helpful hints (rude), skip to the bottom for a list of good maternity clothes stockists.
Top Tip which I give you after several years and a couple of dollars spent – bear this in mind: you won’t need true maternity clothes until at least four or five months in. Possibly later depending on whether you are one of those annoying people who wears their own jeans until about 8 months in. Possibly a bit earlier if you are onto your third child and carrying a 10lb heifer in your stomach. Either way, although I fully appreciate the desire to embrace this whole new category, it is NOT for a whole nine month period, you do NOT need an entire new wardrobe. That being said though, you wouldn’t want to ignore all the lovely possibilities out there…..
30
Sep
2010
Another Genius Gift Idea
As hard as they are to come by I’m not one to keep a good find to myself, so I’ll let you in on my latest stroke of genius, made possible by Flying Start Toys on Etsy, some serious Etsy search-and-discover skills on my part in finding this little gem and a flash of creativity, again on my part, although, admittedly, as someone who is not actually very creative on a whole, this self-perceived creativeness may not seem quite as grand to the outside world. But I can assure you the outcome is good. And… you may copy.
I came across Flying Start Toys’ Sail Away boats – made from materials with beautiful patterns and in the following lovely combinations shown below – while searching for a mobile for a baby’s new nursery as a gift (in an effort to find an alternative to the OTT sound and light shows one finds in commercial baby stores). I never found a mobile I liked, but was delighted to stumble across these.
27
Sep
2010
What to expect when you’re expecting. Or rather – what to do when you’re expecting. Except that doesn’t sound nearly as catchy.
Which may well be why the authors of What to Expect are undoubtedly gazillionaires and I am writing a pink blog.
I have a couple of friends recently who have announced their first pregnancies. Naturally they have turned to someone as wise and insightful as me to advise
them as they take their first tentative steps into the world of bulging stomachs and weeing incessentaly. Or rather, one of them said ‘you must have a nerdy spreadsheet for this sort of thing.’ Au contraire my tubby little friend – I don’t have a single spreadsheet, I have several. And lots of posts. But I guess I have never summarised it all into a neat little package of a posty thing – so here it is, my guide to WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW? Apart from all the medical/hospitaly/birthy stuff of course…
- Panic. You are bringing a new person into the world. Much can go wrong and you’re probably already well on the way to f*cking up your kid’s life already. Nice one. Oh, ok, disregard that one – here’s the real list….
