5
Jun
2011
Newborn baby fug review – iBaby feed
Not me
No, I’m not actually writing a review of my new baby. Although if I was, it would be quite glowing at this point. Apart from her propensity to cause scream-out-loud-pain to my left nipple. (Sorry, that noise you heard? That was the sound of our twenty male readers rushing out the door – yes, you may run, but you can’t hide from the screams you can probably hear from West London).
So I’m pretty much head over nappy in the 10 day old new-born fug. Forgive me please if I cannot wax lyrical this week on the situation in Syria as I might usually do on these hallowed pink pages. And I fear my cutting edge wit has deserted me a little in a haze of washing little white bodysuits, sleeping bolt upright with iPhone in hand, lying on the couch eating reverse double choc chip cookies (how I loathe you so, your sweet sweet reverse white choc chip evilness) oh, and managing aforementioned nipple pain (keep on walkin’ guys).
9
Nov
2010
It starts with pirates.
A while ago the lovely Gigi from mumsrock asked me to write a piece for her cool site. Obviously I told her that if she paid me a large fee, gave me the copyright and licensing fees then I might be able to manage something. Or maybe I just said ‘sure, when would you like it?’ I can’t quite remember. Anyway, the piece is up at the mumsrock site now, and here it is below for your reading pleasure…..
I’ve got pirates on my fridge. No, not some weird Johnny Depp type apparition – fridge magnet pirates. I used to have a study. The place where I used to sit and write witty and informative pieces on the state of the world. It now houses a cardboard box car, a wheely ladybird, several sacks of leftover sandpit sand and three hundred and seventy two pieces of puzzle waiting to be sorted. Possibly three hundred and seventy three. I am the Queen of Minimalism. I can’t bear nick-nacks and I’ve only just come around to having my fruit bowl on display. That’s been something of a breakthrough. So it has come as possibly the worst shock of motherhood (just before the horror of ugly nappy bags and the indignity of the electric breast pump) to find out that the main aim of the little buggers blighters is to TAKE OVER YOUR HOUSE.
27
Sep
2010
What to expect when you’re expecting. Or rather – what to do when you’re expecting. Except that doesn’t sound nearly as catchy.
Which may well be why the authors of What to Expect are undoubtedly gazillionaires and I am writing a pink blog.
I have a couple of friends recently who have announced their first pregnancies. Naturally they have turned to someone as wise and insightful as me to advise
them as they take their first tentative steps into the world of bulging stomachs and weeing incessentaly. Or rather, one of them said ‘you must have a nerdy spreadsheet for this sort of thing.’ Au contraire my tubby little friend – I don’t have a single spreadsheet, I have several. And lots of posts. But I guess I have never summarised it all into a neat little package of a posty thing – so here it is, my guide to WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW? Apart from all the medical/hospitaly/birthy stuff of course…
- Panic. You are bringing a new person into the world. Much can go wrong and you’re probably already well on the way to f*cking up your kid’s life already. Nice one. Oh, ok, disregard that one – here’s the real list….
30
Aug
2010
Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions #2
I know people were awestruck at the brilliance of last week’s invention, but this week you are TOTALLY going to want to invest in my Genius Child-Rearing Inventions Company. Ltd. So here we go…
DRESSING RACK
Not much like this.
You know when you have a wriggly child? A horrible-painful-won’t-stay-still-for-thirty-seconds small person aged anywhere between 9 months and 4 years? Yes yes, so cute to look at and adorable lisp, but SO annoying to dress. So here is your answer – a wooden rack. Yes, I know what you’re all thinking – child abuse rah rah rah. Two words for you – what. ever. You are going to be SO jealous when you see my little wooden thing where you simply slot the child in the top and they are held immobile with limbs flapping out the sides, ready to slip on shoes, socks, hats and jumpers. For a Genius Inventor I know I am not massively good at explaining how things might work, but if you think about it more like a giant Connect 4 game rather than a torture rack you might get the idea. Except the children won’t have to be flat. Or painted orange and blue. Just normal children, only held in a wooden rack ready to be dressed.
You know you want one.
22
Aug
2010
Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions #1
I have often been described as a genius. By often, I mean I think I heard a teacher say it once. Possibly she said pest. No, definitely genius. Anyway, I present to you the first in my eagerly anticipated series – Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions. These are things that I have never seen in a shop – possibly as they may cause injury – but DEFINITELY should be in a shop. People would buy these things.
Pop-up remote controlled electric fence.
A little less violent
You know when you’re in a park. Or a coffee shop or a circus. And you have a small child running in the wrong direction. Or crawling away as fast as their little legs can move? And you really want to finish the end of JUST ONE sentence before interrupting your conversation to drag them back to the designated zone? This is where you whip out your remote control, press the buzzer and a child proof forcefield is erected. Nothing too violent – it wouldn’t give them an electric shock (that’s part of my invention #21) – would just keep them in a defined area, unable to disappear behind a faraway hedge, smear ice-cream on any one’s leather sofa or empty salt out of every salt shaker behind the waiter’s station.
27
Jul
2010
Travelling with kids – part two, into the inferno.
So I think it would be fair to say that we have covered airplane travel relatively comprehensively (if by comprehensive you mean in a kind of crappy yet witty and insightful way here , here and here) but there is always the other bit – when you actually get there. Oh yes, the holiday itself. I’ve just been on one and although I know most things in the world, as I’ve mentioned before, a far cleverer friend than me says that every time you travel you learn a new thing about travelling with your children. I think she might be right. Plus, she’s a lot taller than me, and currently about 11 months pregnant, so I usually agree with most things she says, lest she clout me over the ear. Anyway – some tips….
- Most importantly – do it. Travel. Get out there. Most places can be done with kids. Unless it’s a twenty two star adults only resort. Don’t take kids there – unless you plan to hide them in your room the whole time. But that might be a bit boring. Even if they do like DVDs.
1
Jul
2010
Björn it Up Baby
Baby Bjorn Babysitter Balance
I’ll admit that I like Baby Björn branding. It’s not just the clever word play, it’s that it also makes me think of Björn Borg and I can’t help but think that a little bit of his retro cool might rub off on me if I buy something from Baby Björn*. It’s his general coolness I’m aspiring to you understand, not his wardrobe at the peak of his fame – I’m not going to start wearing tight white shorts, long socks and terri towelling headbands. Though I don’t doubt there are some very fashionable people that could carry that off. I just don’t have the legs for it. Or the hair.
But I drew the line at the 80 plus euro for a baby chair/baby sitter/bouncing cradle. I remembered the metal frame strung with some slightly flexible material that people used from my youth and it didn’t seem necessary to buy an expensive, branded version. There must be dozens of alternatives I assumed. They’re so simple. Well, actually not.
6
Jun
2010
Sophie – baby’s first status symbol? And our very first giveaway.
This is her. Skinny, Parisian and chic.
I don’t know if it has hit other parts of the world yet, but here in Europe if you don’t own Sophie, you may as well stay home – or stay hidden underneath the sun protector in your buggy or other baby anti-humiliation techniques. There is no way you could face life in the sandpit without knowing that you had Sophie waiting for you at home. Yes my friends – it’s not about highchairs or cots or even your designer buggy – if you don’t own Sophie La Giraffe, you are nobody.
Furthermore, if you don’t buy your baby one immediately, you are probably sentencing your child to a lifetime of lunches alone and dodgy denim choices (I have no memories like this to relate to, only ever having been seen wearing cool, up to the minute, always in fashion jeans. Cough denim hotpants cough).
But why? Why this French phenomenon? There are fifty five million different squeezy toys for babies (I counted), what makes Soph different? I’ll hazard a few (dodgy) guesses….
- She is French. Probably Parisian. And female. All Parisian women are skinny, chic, classic and colour coordinated. So is Sophie.
3
May
2010
By popular demand – THE BABY LIST. Essentials and almost essentials to buy.
This is like a picture of me at the dentist. I know - bad hair day.
Ages ago I wrote a post about baby things I had bought that I had wasted money on. I made a rash promise to post my spreadsheet of things that you SHOULD buy. Four months later I am coming good with my promise. I know. I’m reliable like that. You should hear my promises to my dentist – they are nothing short of inspiring and involve trips to hygienists, dental floss and 45 degree brushing angles.
Anyway, I digress. I know that interesting dentistry anecdotes is a post in itself but baby stuff I promised and baby stuff you shall have. There are many many things to buy when you are having a baby. And many many shops and online stores from which to buy these essentials. I say essentials. In actual fact, apart from a cot, a pram and some clothes, you’d be hard pressed to say anything was truly essential. But we are what we are. Well, actually, I am what I am. You may well be a far more worthy and green type person who buys the minimum, recycles stuff, freecycles it back into the community and is generally a better, kinder and more annoying person than me. If you are, can I suggest you stop reading? I think you will not enjoy my list of essentials.
28
Apr
2010
What to think about when buying your baby monitor
Babyology reported recently on the new concept-stage monitor in the works by Danish company Sikker. Monitors are going stellar with monitorisation of the baby´s body temperature and heart rate rather than just old sound and movement.
But what do you actually need out of a baby monitor?
