22
Aug
2010
Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions #1
I have often been described as a genius. By often, I mean I think I heard a teacher say it once. Possibly she said pest. No, definitely genius. Anyway, I present to you the first in my eagerly anticipated series – Kate’s Genius Child-Rearing Inventions. These are things that I have never seen in a shop – possibly as they may cause injury – but DEFINITELY should be in a shop. People would buy these things.
Pop-up remote controlled electric fence.
A little less violent
You know when you’re in a park. Or a coffee shop or a circus. And you have a small child running in the wrong direction. Or crawling away as fast as their little legs can move? And you really want to finish the end of JUST ONE sentence before interrupting your conversation to drag them back to the designated zone? This is where you whip out your remote control, press the buzzer and a child proof forcefield is erected. Nothing too violent – it wouldn’t give them an electric shock (that’s part of my invention #21) – would just keep them in a defined area, unable to disappear behind a faraway hedge, smear ice-cream on any one’s leather sofa or empty salt out of every salt shaker behind the waiter’s station.
10
Aug
2010
World’s Worst Mother Award – or how to counter your smugness in a couple of easy steps
So you know when you are feeling really smug about something that things can take a turn for the worse?
This could well be me accepting the award
Like when you move out of your first house in London that you hate into one that you absolutely adore, and then regularly drive down your old street just to lean out the window and say ‘’aaaarrrrgggh, suffer’ to the old house? And then get a call from your landlady at awesome new house saying she wants awesome house back for herself and you have one month to vacate? And you end up living with your parents-in-law?
Or like when you feel really clever about getting up to date with all your personal admin and then realise you have forgotten to renew your visa meaning a last minute dash to Wales on the day it is due to expire, and costing an additional £830 for a priority in-person appointment? And 24 hours before said priority appointment, manage to lose your passport while organising papers for said visa? Meaning an emergency emergency appointment at Australian High Commission to replace said passport, only to discover (day before emergency trip to Wales) that some amazing soul has handed it in at the High Commission but in the process of preparing documents, photos plus emergency drive-as-fast-as-you-can taxi rides, adding another 100 quid to the cost of said visa process?
2
Aug
2010
Why I am an awesome parent – my new parenting philosophy
ideal parenting position
A male friend of mine sent a group email with the MOST fabulous article this week about ‘idle parenting’. It sparked much comment and a whole new language. The opening sentence of the article by my new hero Tom Hodgkinson sums up the whole concept:
Cancel all clubs, ditch the after-school activities and leave those kids alone.
In other brilliant highlights, the article includes gems such as:
a lazy parent is a good parent
A lot can be achieved by lying in bed. Simply by doing nothing, you can train children to do useful things.
My kids are happy because we’re happy.” Do not suffer. Enjoy your life.
I had no idea that I was already subscribing to such a widespread and legitimate* child raising methodology. But I am loving it.
27
Jul
2010
Travelling with kids – part two, into the inferno.
So I think it would be fair to say that we have covered airplane travel relatively comprehensively (if by comprehensive you mean in a kind of crappy yet witty and insightful way here , here and here) but there is always the other bit – when you actually get there. Oh yes, the holiday itself. I’ve just been on one and although I know most things in the world, as I’ve mentioned before, a far cleverer friend than me says that every time you travel you learn a new thing about travelling with your children. I think she might be right. Plus, she’s a lot taller than me, and currently about 11 months pregnant, so I usually agree with most things she says, lest she clout me over the ear. Anyway – some tips….
- Most importantly – do it. Travel. Get out there. Most places can be done with kids. Unless it’s a twenty two star adults only resort. Don’t take kids there – unless you plan to hide them in your room the whole time. But that might be a bit boring. Even if they do like DVDs.
20
Jul
2010
The big child raising issues. Or how to annoy your husband in the middle of the night.
Do you worry about your children much? I mean clearly, crossing the road, not jumping into the pool or licking other people’s dogs – the things we all worry about. But I am talking about the really big issues. Those that keep us awake at night.
Sometimes I think I am doing aok – I have a nice little pigeon pair (what on EARTH does that mean by the way? And as an aside, I got a lot of congratulations on the birth of daughter. To which I of course blushed and looked suitably proud and modest. Like I had ANYTHING to do with it. Except of course my secret girl making potion sprinkled liberally on husband while sleeping.) . Anyway, a nice little pair who are occasionally well behaved and haven’t set fire to anything in months.
20
Jun
2010
Recovering from the ‘other kind’ of birth
It does not take this many openings - I swear.
I am a small-time c-section veteran, having got two babies up and out ‘through the sun roof’. Not on my own you understand – there were a few doctors and nurses, but basically I am tough and brave. As an obsessive planner, the second time round when I knew I was having another one, I did some serious research. I also bought a lot of unnecessary gear and freaked out a lot. Even if you’re planning the most natural of natural births, stuff happens sometimes and it always pays to freak out in advance. Oh wait – is that right? Anyway, based on absolutely no medical experience whatsoever (although I have watched a LOT of Gray’s Anatomy which is pretty much the same thing), here are my personal top tips for recovering from a c-section:
9
Jun
2010
The Non-Mothers Group
We like to think that we appeal to a broad audience, but de’Nile is not just a river in Africa. Consequently, we recognise that for the non-mothers amongst you, many posts in our blog might be about as interesting as watching paint dry. So we bring you, courtesy of fabulous Sydney girl-about-town, Lija Jarvis, The Non-Mothers’ Group. If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by the seemingly sudden avalanche of pregnancies and births, are delighted for your friends’ lives as mothers but still enjoying life in the child-free fast lane and having a hard time pretending you’re interested in listening to your mummy friends’ exchange of notes on everything from sleeping, diet and digestion to teething and discipline, then Ms Jarvis’ The Non-Mothers Group‘ may be for you.
Through this network of like-minded and long suffering souls, you might find some comfort as you share your own stories or just listen to those of others as you let the relief of knowing there are others out there like you wash over you and give you the tonic you deserve.
The Facebook Non-Mothers’ Group brought to you by Lija Jarvia
We love our friends with kids and we love their gorgeous children.
28
May
2010
Madrileño’s that dress their child like Little Lord Fauntleroy
There’s quite an astonishing culture in Madrid of dressing your child to look like it’s 1880 and you’re off to church. If it’s actually a Confirmation boys are off to they will be dressed in either a sailor’s outfit or other military inspired arrangement. If you have family here you will receive a lot of this clothing by way of gifts and spend a lot of energy making up elaborate stories of the many outings baby has had in the outfit and how delightful everyone thought your darling child looked, while the offending boy dress with blue shoulder ribbons actually sits safely tucked away in the bottom drawer.
One of the more disturbing aspects of seeing an innocent, curly haired boy in a baby blue and light brown outfit of bib and brace shorts with a frilly collar, knee high socks and lace up shoes is, despite your awareness that he is an unfortunate and innocent pawn in his parent’s children-as-accessories obsession, you just can’t avoid the word SISSY flying into your head and almost on to your lips. I KNOW. Dreadful. I didn’t know that word was still in my brain somewhere. But that’s what happens when you see these kids.
25
May
2010
Contrary to apparent perception, I do feed my child
photo credit: benjamin_mercadier
Since before he could even eat solids, every time I take out my, now 11 months old, child in public, someone in his general vicinity is constantly trying to put food in his mouth. Sometimes they spontaneously form into teams of four or five, reaching out and collecting whatever completely inappropriate food may be in a 100 metre radius, passing it fire-fighting water line style along a chain to the baby while the head of the team and several others yell out suggestions and try to feed them all in succession to the perplexed child. “Give him some of the guacamole”, yells one. “No it has chilli in it” yells a rare voice of reason, “what about the chocolate cake, he’ll love that”, “no give him a sip of the coca cola, see if he likes it”, “oh I know, I have some red icy poles – it will help with the teething gums”, “give him a chip”, “no, he’ll choke, try this taramasalata dip”, “Do you think he’ll eat the prawn with some mayonnaise, the caviar, the pickled artichoke?”
