Bugger off kid

Kids getting along swimmingly

Sometimes you really just want to tell a kid to Bugger Off. Unfortunately, while it can be effective in the short term, the short victory normally turns sour.  It usually ends with an accusing, pointing, sticky little finger and the words, “Mummy that lady told me to Bugger Off”.  Dobber.  You can look searchingly behind you as much as you like, a kids extended pointer finger is a frighteningly accurate instrument for identifying the object of their accusations.

What are your alternatives when a kid is behaving like a rat bag and their parents are absent or unwilling to discipline their child? I’ve heard horrific stories of parents witnessing their child being hit or pushed while the well-aware parent of the offender sits idly by, and I am sure there are many outrageous stories with which I hope you’ll regale us in the comments section, but actually we face smaller, less serious incidences all the time that can be pretty frustrating.

I understand that children, at certain stages, have an unavoidable problem with sharing. I just read, and I in no way vouch for the veracity of this information, that this is particularly pronounced between the ages of one and two and will generally continue unresolved without some serious guidance and leadership-by-example on the parenting front.  Judging by the number of selfish three year olds I suspect only a very teeny tiny proportion of the population have read psychologists’ recommendations on teaching kids to share.  Most of the population just didn’t get the memo.

Apparently yelling from the other side of the living room when you hear a fight breaking out, “SHARE” and only entering the room once someone or, more likely, everyone, is actually crying and then saying “RIGHT, NO ONE IS PLAYING WITH PINKY WINKY NOW” and slamming pinky winky in to a drawer and leaving several infants wailing in your wake as you march back out of the room, is not part of this leading-by-example child-psychology advocated share teaching technique.  Go figure.

And so, selfish kids, well over the age of two are a daily part of life.  At the moment, I’m taking Monkey to the pool every afternoon – the only thing to do in the afternoon Madrid heat – and he’s around kids not altogether keen on sharing and quite keen on taking ownership of anything from ALL of the toys brought with us (yes ALL, not just some, presenting challenges for their tiny little hands but not sufficient to deter them), to entire areas of real estate (the steps of the pool, a particular area of the fence, a given set of tiles) every afternoon. Monkey is 12 months old.  He loves to be around other children and luckily he is far too young to notice when they are behaving like complete cretins. Unfortunately, I’m not suffering the same blissful lack of perception.

Just the other day after being rather aggressively warned off not one but all of the water jets in the pool, that were providing immense entertainment to Monkey, by a particular four year old who considered them there exclusively for his use, I diplomatically moved from one jet to the other.  He followed us, obstinately blocking each one in turn and yelling something about not being allowed or being his or being someone else’s or something.  I attempted to reason with him.  I tried quietly telling him to bugger off.  It didn’t result in him running to his mother, thankfully, but nor was it particularly effective.  And then I was faced with either physically removing his horrible little hands from blocking the water jet or giving in and slinking away.  I slinked.  I don’t like to lose but even I can see it would be unbecoming for a fully-grown adult to fight over playing with a water jet.  But I was NOT HAPPY about having to surrender to the whims of a four year old.

When children take all of Monkey’s toys – happens ALL the time – I’m at a complete loss as to what to say.  “Hey, give them back”?  Doesn’t sound very adult.  I quite like “Give it back you little sod”, which certainly asserts by superior status of being bigger but brings us back to that whole problem of not going down particularly well with other parents.

It seems to me the only option is a Gandhi-like passive resistance.  Actually not so much of the resistance and more of the passive.  Yeah sure, take whatever you want, drive us out of the kids pool, whatever, we’re going.

I really need to figure this thing out before Monkey is old enough to notice my ineptitude in the face of confrontation with children.  If I can just figure out how to demonstrate to Monkey through a sterling example of judgement and good character, how to confront a bossy, non-sharing child in an effective and non-confrontational manner I think the two of us really could come out of this summer much better people.  Tips and text references welcome.

photo credit: allspice1

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