1
Jun
2010
And somewhere along the line I fell in love
ALERT: TOTALLY SOPPY POST COMING UP. AVERT EYES IF NECESSARY
So you know how all those movies and TV shows and chicklit books describe the moment you meet your baby and you fall instantly in love? Completely and utterly, beside yourself immediately, in love? If you don’t know those books and TV shows and movies then good on you, you probably spend your time reading worthy, didactic tomes about apartheid in South Africa and tutoring the underprivileged (which begs the question about why you are reading this blog, but we’ll take anyone).
Anyway, you know that instant love feeling? Well, nope. Not me.
When number one came along, sure I felt protective. He was also very cute (massive head notwithstanding) and I was keen to look after him the best I possibly could. We spent hours marvelling at the fact that we had MADE THAT LIMB. I know, the first people EVER to create life – I know how clever we are. But overwhelming, tear inducing love at first sight? Nope. Am I weird?
I don’t know if it was because I was so anxious to pretend like nothing very big had happened. I was very focused on getting my life back to normal – having people over to dinner week two, going to restaurants with baby at the table, having mother’s group meetings at the pub, going back to work quite quickly. It took me the better part of six months to really grasp the fact that life had changed. Irrecoverably, inconceivably, forever changed. I could go to the pub, but I would still be a mother when I got home. And actually? I was still a mother while at the pub. Now THAT wasn’t in the brochure. Or maybe it was and I just glossed over that bit of small print on my way to the cool cots and cute little clothes…
Maybe it was because I expected the love to feel a certain way – like the way you feel about your partner, or your family. I didn’t realise that it would be a whole new feeling. I didn’t know that you would be so incredibly and hugely TERRIFIED about them so much of the time. So maybe I couldn’t recognise the feeling?
It was all a bit confusing, but I managed well enough. It even became fun – somewhat shockingly after the months of focus on keeping this little person alive, but as the Bear started talking (bad language included) fun was actually to be had. Fun enough even enough to get pregnant again! She was really cute. I even cried when she was born – possibly at joy of immense pain being over, possibly at fear of pain still to come but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the gorgeous mini little girl just lifted out of my body. But was it love? I still wasn’t sure.
Then last week, nearly nine months on from number two’s arrival, I was upstairs getting ready for bed late at night and I went it to tuck covers in, wipe face of (phenomenally sweaty) little man and kiss their little heads and suddenly it hit me – somewhere along the line I had fallen totally in love with these two people. Like really-totally-do-anything-in-the-world-for-them-even-give-them-last-piece-of-chocolate-brownie in love with them. I don’t know when it happened – but there we have it, I absolutely love these two little people I made. Large sweaty heads and all.
Yes I know, two and half years is a long time to catch on – what can I say? I‘m a slow learner.
What a wonderful piece – it brought tears to my eyes and THEN I snapped back into reality – yes you fall in love with them and then they become teenagers who are hormonal and you can quite easily fall OUT of love on some days! Wouldn’t change it for the world.
By the way, we have another person in our team in Melbourne who is expecting her first baby – Bridget
x
Thanks Kate, I just had the worst morning with my 2 and a half year old….which ended in a massive tantrum in the DJ’s food hall. Then in my haste to leave, my iphone fell out of the pram. I felt as though I could quite easily strangle her or push the pram out into oncoming traffic.
Reading your post reminded me of the love I felt when she first arrived. Yes, it was instant for me but over the years the struggle of raising a difficult toddler, with the constant battles makes me forgetful. I often look at her newborn photo on the fridge and the wave of euphoria hit me all over.
It’s wonderful!!
While reading that I imagined my children coming to harm – must go and weep quietly in the bathroom…
Raelene -I already live with a teenager – moodiness and all. Oh, that’s the 2.5year old, not the husband.
Kat- don’t cry! Go read your fabulous blog and make yourself feel better….
Virginia – 2.5year olds – don’t even TALK to me about them. Note that the love I was feeling was when they were fast asleep. And perhaps can I suggest the ultimate pram accessory? http://www.bugaboo.com/170