9
May
2010
The Land of Limbo – expats and why I am not a spoilt brat. Most of the time.
This is one from the wedding snaps. Not really.
There is a feeling familiar to many expats – well, at least those who have not committed to being an ex-expat, i.e., committing to living in the one country forever, they are usually happy with their choice (and keen to tell you about it, may I mention in a totally non-snipey way). For the rest of us? It’s often the land of limbo baby.
The most common discussion amongst expats, almost from the moment you get off the plane in your adopted country is – ‘How long are you here for?’ ‘How long do you think you’ll stay?’ ‘When do you think you’ll head home?’ ‘Do you think you’ll be here for good?’ And many other equally same-same-but-different-questions.
These questions come from many places – from other expats eager to know if you are staying to keep them company (hello London friends); other locals keen to see you leave (hello everyone who wants a place in my nursery); family who would like their grandchildren to stay put forever (hello mother-in-law); family who would like their grandchildren returned to them (hello mother); friends who want you to come to their weddings (hello increasingly impatient friends on all sides of the world); and people who may or may not want to employ you based on your answer (umm, hello all future employers. This whole post is actually made up.)
And there are many potential answers:
- “Oh, for a while. *specific dates never mentioned*.” Answer to family members on both sides of world. Sometimes it’s better for no-one to face the truth.
- “Oh, we are definitely here for a good while. 5 to 10 years I would say.” Answer to all potential employers. And frankly, if the job was good enough, it would probably be the answer. If however, the job turns out to be mind-numbingly boring and a hideous commute, well you’ll live with the fib.
- “We are home darling”. To children to stop any confusion.
- “Tomorrow at this fucking rate.” To husband when being particularly annoying.
But in many cases, the horrible truth of the matter is actually this answer:
- “We have no idea.” Frankly at any one time it can depend on:
- The month (hello promotion round, hello Australian interest rates)
- The season (horrible winter=massive desire to return to the land of cicadas and summer, gorgeous long English days = desire to stay put for ‘just one more summer’.)
- The job situation (greetings oh boring job)
- The children (to return prior to school age? Does it really make any difference where a 5 year old starts school? Yes when the alternative might be home schooling based on heinous waiting lists and overpriced private schools.)
- The friends (are you all leaving? We’re leaving too – who would I play with?)
- The extended family (how needy are they all being this month? Is everyone healthy?)
- Finally – the mood. And I guess this one is ultimately what makes our mind up. Are we basically happy where we are?
So we live in limbo. We ask ourselves these questions, we ask each other these questions. We answer with frustration or kindness (depending on the mood and the questioner). We change our minds a lot. We don’t book holidays. Then we book holidays. We don’t enroll in schools, then we enroll in a panic at every school in the neighbourhood. The months tick by – some months are amazing and wonderful and exciting. Some months are, well just life with kids in a big city. Sometimes we gaze about this amazing city in wonder, sometimes we barely look upwards as we trudge to nursery thinking about buying batteries and light globes.
A very astute friend of mine rightly pointed out that once you are an expat, it’s hard to always be truly happy where you are. Whilst we are often blessed to have a choice of countries (this is the spoilt brat bit – see how I built it in there?), it’s the ultimate grass is greener situation – your home country will always seem more comfortable and easy, but when in that home, the land far away will always seem more exciting.
And of course, we all know in our hearts that home is actually wherever you are with your family – I guess I just have to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have the choice and to lap up every moment in this (frickin cold and wet) wonderful country.
photo credit: ImNotQuiteJack
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I totally agree with this sentiment and it’s something we talk about a lot. We change our minds about where we are going to be in 6 months time ALL THE TIME – it drives our families mad!
I think the title had it right frankly – pretty whingey. You should just count yourself lucky to have the choice.
God Hmmmmmm – rude much? The point of a blog is to have an opinion and I am sure there are lots of people who feel exactly the same way (look at wat argentina girl says) – we can;t be positive all the time!
How about employers who would love to employ you once again (hello law firm Melbourne, Australia)
x
Hmmmmm – you need to take things a little less at face value. Clearly the author was just voicing a frustration (as the other posters managed to pick up) and, as an expat myself, I share the sentiment. We constantly agonise over whether we should be living here, there or somewhere else. This doesn’t mean that we aren’t grateful for the opportunity!
Hopefully hmmmmm is one of your friends and they are just joking…otherwise rude pig.
I am still ‘thinking about’ living in London one day, and because I don’t have a time limit (ie I can get a visa), it’s just annoying to everyone that I’m still talking about it and will probably never get around to it.
ps I love the pic, gotta love those bogan wedding dances!!
Hmmmm is awfully rude. Having lived in 3 countries now, I moved from hating the new country I lived in to finding that you gradually grow used to it to loving it. A big factor is also the relationships you have made to living in one country. I’m newly moved to UK and in the transition period of hating it to getting used to it. Still more hating it as haven’t made any significant friends yet and the negatives of living here is outweighing the benefits. I’m facing the long waiting lists to get into a school, the long commute to a school my oldest has managed to get in, the RED tape !! . Benefits of easy travelling – still to experience. I know I’ll get to the stage where I will eventually be sad to leave when I do but it’s still some time coming.
Gosh – who knew limbo was so controversial?!
OzMuminBristol – you are absolutely right about the relationships, and they are a very special part of my time here in the UK. I hope you get there soon….
Hmmmm – what can I say but hmmmmmm.
Pat – in the word’s of the global shoe company – just do it.
Raelene – I will invent a whole new response for them….
it gives you something to talk about, blog, ponder. hopefully you will have it for the rest of your life – wonderful choices, that is. but the fun of it really is the pondering. should we? shouldn’t we? when? if? how?