When good yoga goes bad

very close likeness of my yoga teacher. possibly her sister.

UPDATE: I know this is an old one but Jac is on holiday this week so I’m re-posting one of my favourites that she wrote! Cheers, Kate

If you’re not already a Yoga or Pilates devotee, there is a very good chance that on falling pregnant you’ll be encouraged to start attending a Yoga or Pilates class especially for the impregnated. Finding the right class for you can be pretty challenging and let me just say, possibly, as my recent experience demonstrated, a little bit frightening.

Finding a new yoga teacher in Madrid has not been an easy task.  After sifting through several tie die themed yoga websites and brochures, I found a fairly modern looking studio and booked in for my first set of classes.  Despite the shiny, new exterior of the yoga studio, the teacher turned out to be the kind of crystal, purple cardigan wearing, yoga stereotype I had been trying to avoid.  The classes were just not what I was after.  I wanted to work out, and this class was a lot closer to mediation than exercise. 

This turned out not to be the worst of my problems with this particular class.  Not only did she have a penchant for putting us in to pairs for exercises (Call me anti social but I HATE being put in to pairs and I can see from everybody elses expression as we clasp sweaty hands together, that they’re not overly thrilled about it either) but one day..one unforgettable day..we were paired up to massage each others’ anus.  Yes you read that correctly. Seriously. No really.  And I don’t mean buttocks.  That would have been sufficiently horrific. I mean, we had to actually take turns making a closed fist and rotating it over the anus area of our “partners” (total strangers) while they leaned face forward to the wall. Yes they did indeed have to “assume a position” against the wall – this was allegedly the best position for them to relax in while still permitting access to the target massage area. Despite the, I’m sure, thoroughly scientific reasoning behind this positioning, there were not a lot of relaxed people in that room. The idea, apparently, is that there is some muscle around your coccyx that becomes very tense during pregnancy and could do with a good rub every now and then.

Now. I ask you, (in Marxist type outrage), just because there is an alleged need, does that justify any means to satisfy it?! I think not comrades! I hear the pelvic floor muscle could do with a bit of help too but there has to be a limit to what you ask people to do. For crying out loud.

And, AND, this profound question occurred to me only later after the shock had worn off, but at what point do people actually say “NO” to their yoga instructor.  What is it about putting someone in front of a room and sticking a different coloured badge on them that makes people blindly obey?  Would people in the class actually say at some point, “ermm excuse me Valley/Rainbow/Ziggy I’m not doing that. I’m just not comfortable doing…<insert here other inappropriate exercise, if you can think of one that might come after anus massaging…>”?Would they?!

It’s amazing what people will do against their will when in a class situation. And clearly that includes myself. I quietly protested by not returning to the class. But sure, not before I anus massaged. And received.

Anyway, I hope in your search for a yoga class you don’t have the same experience.  Don’t let the trauma of some bad classes, or my story, put you off.  There really is a class out there for you.  Just to put you at ease, I can tell you that I am now attending a pilates class where the staff wear matching blue and white work out uniforms in a reassuringly corporate look.  There is still quite a bit of pairing up but I do not live in fear of being asked to massage my partners bosom or get up close and personal with their pelvic floor.

You’ll hear people people debate the merits of yoga versus pilates or whether one form of yoga is better than another.  But finding the right class for you doesn’t really come down to whether it’s Bikram or Ashtanga or pilates.  There are so many different styles, approaches and personalities within each one of these.  You need to find an instructor that suits your style and is in touch with the people in the class.

And on being in touch, fyi yoga instructors, most people in your class probably have not spent their summer holidays chanting on top of a Himalayan Mountain. I’m just saying.

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