Things I have learnt about travelling with kids – part one, the airplane ride. AKA Dante’s vision of Hell.

See that flying thing in the background - that is your child. See those two people in the foreground? You. Possibly attacking an air hostess.

A good friend of mine once commented that you learn something more about travelling with kids every time you do it. I scoffed at the time as how much really can there be to learn? I’ve travelled with a kid long haul and two kids a few times. But now, yes Mill, I think you are right. The little buggers keep growing and their needs changing. As opposed to me, since for about fifteen years now I have been happy with a very short list of travel requirements: business class flights, 5 star resorts and child free swimming pools. And one day I’ll actually achieve it, I’m sure.

Anyway, I have learnt much in this last trip. Far too much – as I have two children and know everything there is to know about child rearing, I am gobsmacked, but it is true, there are things I wish I had known before taking the trip. You know how flying was really boring before you have kids? It’s not so much boring now as some sort of sub-Saharan African sand running marathon endurance event. On the plus side, having experienced it too many times now, flying without them means that even the most budget of airline economy seats feels like business class which is an unexpected bonus not mentioned in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Cover the big stuff people.

More next week on travel tips generally, but the following things would have been handy to know BEFORE the airplane ride:

• When you appear with two children, a husband, six bags and an oversized pram badly wrapped in plastic, the woman at the check-in desk will not take you seriously when you ask for an upgrade. Just for yourself. Try not to lean over and threaten her in the manner of the Godfather.
• The first few hours of any plane ride with children will not be fun.  You may look at your husband in despair and with a single tear rolling down your face, wonder aloud if this is indeed what Dante meant by hell. Less fire, more 2 year olds. Then you might resort to drugging your child with cough medicine. I didn’t do that personally, I’m just saying.
• Don’t try and use reins on your child in an airport if they have never been used before. Although the idea seemed clever (if socially unacceptable) prior to use –  the resulting thrashing about will in fact scare airline staff and screams of ‘DON’T TIE ME UP MUMMY!’ will cause most people in the airport to double back and stare whilst making surreptitious phone calls to social services.
• Think about the fact that when you leave, very small children will be older when you return. OK, I know, der, but on the way out there my daughter was almost six months and was entertained by a piece of paper flapping in her face as she lay down. On the way back, she was seven months and sitting up and a toy of some sort would have been handy. The lady next to me had some sort of resin necklace around her neck with big baubles and rings. Yes, it was as hideous as it sounds but my god, I would have foregone some of my non-existent fashion cred to get my hands on it during that flight – a ready-made toy hanging round your neck.
• Read your own advice. Carry an extra change of clothes for yourself. Again, one word – vomit.
• When recommending earphones in a post about travelling with kids, think about the fact that airplanes have different plugs, so a groovy pair of child sized earphones bought at some expense and after a great deal of research will in fact be useless. Good to entertain the baby though when searching about for a toy and lacking aforementioned heinous necklace.
• Lollypops. When all else fails and you NEED 15 minutes of peace, a well timed lollypop will please kids of most ages. And if it’s 6 in the morning and you’re worried about how it will look to other people? Bugger ‘em – you’ll never see them again. Let them tell stories to their friends about the horrible people with the children who had sugar pumped into them via lollypops – they probably already dobbed on you from the airport when they saw you tying up your son anyway.
• Take it in turns to have a children free hour. Ignore ALL waving arms, flying food and odd smells coming from the other seats and focus on watching bad reruns of Two and a Half Men like your very life depended on it. Frankly, after 14 hours on a plane with children, it does depend on it. 
• And finally, a word of warning – nappies need to be clean BEFORE shift handovers. Don’t fall for the ole ‘he just did a poo during the handover period’ – get the ground rules written down. In fact, perhaps just easiest to draw up a formal document before boarding.  And ensure you synchronise watches before each shift – your travelling partner CANNOT be trusted and WILL change his watch to get out of that last five minutes.

So that is it. Well, it’s all this jet-lagged brain can remember right now. Next week – how to convince a 6 month old child it is still night-time using only a tape recorder, six dummies, a blackout blind and two pipe cleaners.

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