Flying with the devil. Or – how to fly on a plane with your children and not arrive with vomit on your top.

OK, as opposed to the recent post for selfish Alex, here is a selfless one dedicated entirely to myself.  I am not long away from embarking upon a 24 hour plane ride with two children. Two. On a plane. One child finds it hard to focus on one thing for more than about three minutes and if doesn’t get his own way has a charming habit of throwing himself upon the nearest flat surface and keening as if at a grave. The other enjoys random Tourette’s like yelps – when she is not screaming until purple in the face about being tired. Or hungry. Or itchy. Or has smelt something funny. Oh, I can already see the faces of the people in the departure lounge, just crossing their fingers and PRAYING they are sitting beside our happy little family.

Anyway – I am planning this trip like a military invasion. Only with less death. I am not focusing on what happens when we get there – just the 24 hours on the way. Don’t even talk to me about the way back when I will be doing it ON MY OWN. Seriously, don’t talk to me, especially if you are my husband. I need every trick in the book, so have been madly researching to come up with The Plan. Here’s what I have thus far:

• Preparation — get a new job that pays a lot of money, hire a nanny and get her to travel with the kids in economy while you recline in business.  Alternatively:
• The carrying equipment – you need a big bag that goes across the body or a backpack – less people to hit with your enormous bag as you head down the plane for the twenty fifth loo stop. Inside the bag are smaller drawstring bags for each child. Personally, I wouldn’t bother with their own backpacks or rolly suitcases until they are over 4 or you are sure that they won’t be either be banging the bag into other people or taking it off and on and off and on until you are standing at the counter begging the airline to reconsider the age at which children can be considered unaccompanied minors.  But you may think your angels can handle them, in which case, great idea. I think those toddler reins are socially unacceptable. The airport is the only place I have seriously considered laying embarrassment aside and buying a set.  
• Inside each child’s bag
  • Pack everything in separate little bags inside the big bag. One for nappy changes. One for clothes changes. One for each child for their toy/fun bag.
  • Ensure bag contains their favourite snuggly toy or blanket. Do not lose this. Attach a name and phone number to it. And possibly a piece of Velcro. Many holidays have been ruined by loss of Fluffy.  
  • Apparently the rule is one item for every hour on the plane. I suspect that rule was written by someone travelling from LA to London. 24 items for each child conjures up visions of Santa sized sacks of gifts over each parent’s shoulder. And that’s before you include the mountains of magazines for mum, who will no doubt be lying around reading on the relaxing journey. If you can be bothered, wrap each of them to add to the excitement each time you open one. Or that may just mean extra paper to get rid of. Hmm.
  • Include a few favourites but also some brand new things. It goes without saying (but I am saying it anyway – what a pointless phrase that is?) not to get anything noisy, big or with possibility of causing temper tantrums. Personally, I think cars are an error – ability to drive them right over the top of the heard of the person sitting in front of you. Plus they go broom broom, often loudly. I am thinking small tubes of plastic animals. Books. Magnetic trays. Fuzzy felt. Chapter books for older kids, with one chapter each hour to build the suspense? If anything is causing trouble or is definitely not a winner – chuck it. Or offer it to another harassed looking parent on the plane. There are some awesome lists of good toys for kids 0-8 here.
  • For baby, take a couple of pegs or nappy pins that could be used to pin up a blanket/muslin etc for some darkness for a sleeping baby.  
  • Take a change of clothes for yourself. One word – vomit.
• Pram – can you live without it? Can you borrow one at the other end? If so, try to get by without it – it’s just one more piece of stuff. But if you think you’ll have to walk long distances, a really small, really light one might be worth it, even one that gets given away after the trip. Embrace the baby carrier (see here for tips) – they are a godsend at getting babies round an airport.
• To DVD or not DVD? If you’re travelling on a big plane, chances are that the entertainment system will have more than enough stuff to entertain even the pickiest of small travellers. But if you’ve got a fussy little person on your hands, and you can handle the extra piece of equipment, then by all means get a portable DVD player. Make sure it has fantastic battery life, or it’s useless. You can get kid sized earphones, might be worth testing them out on your child to see what you need/they will tolerate.
• Tire them out. Run them round, round and round and round and round before you get on the plane. Make them race the people on the moving walkways, or jog laps around an empty departure lounge. For the stopover – pack a few balloons. Blow them up in the airport and let the small kids run after them to burn off some energy.
• Drugs. Controversial I know, but there are options to help the little angels just be a wee bit dozier. No, I’m not suggesting Valium. Except for parents. But there have been ‘people’ known to give the odd dose of Calpol, Phenergen, Medised. I am not advising. Just saying. Do ask a doctor or nurse. You will find as many who think it will do no harm as you will who will immediately suggest a visit with social services. Do check the label to get the dose right. Do TEST BEFOREHAND. Beware the opposite effect it can have on some children. If you thought they were tricky enough before hand, wait til they’re hopped up and doing cartwheels down the aisle.
• Flight time – fly at day? Fly at night? Short flights sure, plan around naptime. Longer flights? Does it make any difference? They’ll inevitably be supposed to sleep at a time they don’t usually sleep, so just pick the most convenient and start moving them over to the new time zone as soon as you can.
• Food & drink – avoid the sugar. Fill em up with protein. Helps with sleepiness. Milk is a natural sedative. I’m thinking ricecakes, cheerios, bananas, breadsticks. Make the kids drink a glass of water each hour on the plane. Dehydration is thought to be one of biggest causes of jet-lag. Yes, you are welcome.
• On your own? If you’re travelling on your own with kids, call the airport/check the website and see what they can offer. Some have people who will escort you through the airport, help you get your luggage etc. Even if you aren’t travelling alone, check the websites to see where the playcentres are etc at the various airports you will be travelling through. Think about the reins (see above). Seriously.
• Luggage – Put a matching ribbon or identifying tag on every piece of your luggage. This will stop endless queries about whether it is your bag and relieve you of the need to stab your husband.
• Documents – You know how you used to photocopy all important documents? Or planned to, but never actually did? Well, use your phone to take pictures of them and store on your phone. I know – GENIUS. I am SO helpful.
• Clothing – wear slip on shoes, no belt and no metal – nothing worse than having to unlace shoes and take off a belt in a security queue with a toddler running in the other direction.

And for more tips on travelling with kids see here, here, here and here.  

photo credit: s.schmitz