22
Jan
2010
Giving up breastfeeding, filling void with guilt and a fruitless search for answers
I gave up breastfeeding this week and, unexpectantly, I have been feeling kind of awful and weird about it. It seemed so counter-intuitive and wrong. Also, I’m not sure whether this is medically correct but I’m pretty sure there were some hormone changes as a result of the end to milk production, and hormone changes generally don’t go well. According to the fabulous Robin Barker (if you haven’t noticed, I’m a fan), feelings of sadness and depression when giving up breastfeeding are normal. She says go ahead and have a good cry. Well thanks Robin. I DID. More than once. Yay for me. And you. High Five.
Breastfeeding, natural and earthy. Does it look the same when the child can walk?
Where was I? Oh yes, GUILT. In my defence, stopping as I have at six and a half months, in Spain I seem to be very much in the minority having breastfed beyond three months. The nurse at my paediatricians office actually scoffed at me (one might even have called it a snort) when I inquired as to the benefits of continuing beyond six months, impatiently advising that the infant would receive all its dietary needs with formula and food once solids were introduced. My paediatrician diplomatically neither recommended nor advised against stopping at six months, instead asking whether I’d like to give up breastfeeding at six months, and when I gave a doubtful yes, then let me know that was absolutely fine and she would do the same. I took this as a recommendation but now that I look back I’m not so sure it was.
Also (your honour), I briefly toyed with the idea of combining breastfeeding with the bottle, but my clever (of course) and devious child spied a reduction in breastfeeding when I started skipping every second feed and suddenly stopped accepting the bottle altogether. I tried reverting to expressed milk to try the gradual introduction of formula but we had a full bottle strike on our hands. So we then found ourselves in an even worse situation — we couldn’t even leave the baby with a babysitter.
Cold turkey was the only option. Which we did, not before waiting three weeks to try weaning again, during which time there was much agonising. When The Spaniard had had enough of hearing my agonising, we returned for the second attempt, and a 12 hour Mexican standoff followed. There was not nearly as much crying and drama as I had imagined, although the baby diving at my chest pulled so hard at my heartstrings I could almost hear them snapping. Still, we got there in less than a day. I say ‘we’ because The Spaniard was awesome and I couldn’t have done it without his support. I would be housebound and breastfeeding until 2015.
In my quest to feel better about my decision I started searching on the internet to try and find out what is the actual medically advised, scientifically backed, duration to breastfeed. Trust me — don’t do this. It’s almost impossible to get a straight answer out of anyone.
The American Society of Paediatrician’s (ASP) policy is, “It is recommended that breastfeeding continue for at least 12 months, and thereafter for as long as mutually desired.” So it kind of seems they think 12 months is optimal? Well, maybe not. What, you may reasonably ask, did the ASP mean by “for as long as mutually desired”? I don’t have access to the studies that have led to this recommendation but it reads a lot to me like, “when you want to”. Which is not really a recommendation at all. One might get splinters in their arse from sitting on the fence if they’re not careful.
Alternatively it means until the infant weans itself (my interpretation of what one side of the said mutual desire might be). Which, depending on what you read, is most likely some time around 2 and a half years of age but could be anywhere up to FIVE years of age. If you feel guilty and don’t want to give up breastfeeding until it seems natural, you’re in for a LOOONNNNG RIDE. I feel guilty but not THAT guilty. I’m pretty sure my guilt would max out by one year at the most.
You’ll see The World Health Organisation breastfeeding recommendations quoted in breastfeeding forums and blogs en masse (recommend breastfeeding up to two years and beyond), but these recommendations are specifically for developing and third world countries — in place to improve the health of babies and infants in places with poor sanitation, healthcare and a host of problems in regards to diet and available food. They make sense in those circumstances. It’s not helpful to quote their studies in countries where the conditions of the studies and reasons for the advice don’t exist. So if you’re one of those people quoting it to confused mothers in developed countries, please stop.
I suspect no one really knows the answer, that various studies have been done but none can clearly separate genetic and cultural factors. If you’re a doctor and can quote a reliable and respected clinical study please let me know.
What I do know is that the decision to give up breastfeeding isn’t as all as clear cut and easy as I thought it would be. I hadn’t expected to feel so torn about it and to get all hippie and earth-motherish, thinking about what was ‘natural’. It’s made me realise we should all be less judgmental about people who choose to breastfeed for longer periods of time, including beyond a year.
I regret now not thinking more about my decision and kind of think I would have liked to continue up to one year, especially if I could have replaced at least one of three feeds with formula. I can hear in my head my Spanish relatives gasping in horror as I write that, as well as a not too quiet grumble from several Australian family and friends. In reality I’m probably kidding myself, I don’t think I could have dealt with the hassle for a whole other six months of never being able to leave the baby more than a few hours with anyone (especially his grandparents who are desperate to be left with him for a whole day or whole weekend as soon as possible), never being able to share the responsibility of milk feeding at 7am in the morning, having to express in preparation for times when I needed to leave the baby, dealing with scorn from friends and family, and a whole list of other hassles.
A HUGE shout-out to those who do breastfeed beyond six months. Seriously, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Anyway, no one is going to tell you when is the right time. As with all things related to motherhood, it seems there is no right answer. If it’s any consolation, I feel better already. Someone did tell me yesterday I’d be over it in a few days. They could be right. For anyone wondering for how long they might expect to feel guilty — it’s been exactly five and a half days!
I recently started bottle feeding breastmilk my 1.5 years old very occasionally (about once or twice a week). She doesn’t really like it and I already feel guilty feeding her that way. I can only imagine your feeling.
Mother Guilt – it begins at conception. Apparently you can expect an end to it somewhere around five minutes before you die. So that’s something to look forward to.
Too much pressure is put on us by others. One thing I’ve learnt about being a mother is NEVER to judge others. Each to their own and all that. You’ve made the right decision. Drop him off with his grandparents for the weekend and CELEBRATE!
fantastic blog Jac. My heartstrings tore on your behalf reading that. I couldn’t/can’t deal with the guilt and am still breastfeeding at 12 and a half months. But i have cut it down to a feed a day. But while the kid is loving it, i am still giving it to him. and have had one night apart in a whole year as a result. it all comes down to personal choice.
I thought you breastfed until you were skinny ’cause all that breastfeeding just sheds the KJs faster than a week long Richard Simmons workout. I have not had any children but the intention is to breastfeed until I’m a size zero. All we can hope is that that happens before my unborn child is graduating from Yale or becoming the first woman Prime Minister of Australia (how awkward).
It’s true CVR, it’s like magic. You can eat whatever you want whenever you want and it just DROPS off. Mostly off your thighs, upper arms and lower abs, and leftover becomes evenly distributed between your breasts. Also, in other news, your wrinkles disappear.
Unfortunately the guilt nevers leaves you and if it ever does it will be cos you’ve found something else to feel guilty about like going back to work, taking the bottle away, leaving them at playgroup. The list is endless. I still feel guilty about not breastfeeding my first for more than 6 months, the second for only four months and am starting to feel guilty in advance in the knowledge that breastfeeding the 3rd is likely to be a similar struggle. Whatever the research, books, doctors, health visitors or other so called experts say, breastfeeding is not easy for everyone and there is far too much pressure on new mums to make a success of it. You just have to try and do what feels right for you – so much more important for the mum and baby just to relax and try and enjoy the first few months rather than spending them stressed out and guilt ridden. There are far worse things than a bottle of formula! Now if only I could take my own advice……
One feed a day sounds great. Totally do-able. Will he take a bottle for babysitting nights? Still, you had at least another six months than me of several feeds a day. You deserve a medal. Or at least some very expensive jewellery.
We did! Well for the night. And I have to say it WAS great. We SLEPT IN! Until, like 8.30 but still. Weekend is the next milestone.
Oh Jacster what a beautiful entry (just catching up on my holiday reading) l admire your ability to capture and share the mixed emotions you experienced when giving up breastfeeding. You are certainly not alone!
Being an avid Robin Barker fan (yes have met her in person and had to hold back as just wanted to go up and give her hug), l could not agree with you more, breast feeding is a such a personal and intimate time you spend with your baby, no less intimate than feeding a baby with a bottle, however l can totally relate to feeling a little sad at the completion of this phase. Once again like any child raising decision you make, you will always be dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. But my only advice is that you know your child better than anyone and no matter how many books or websites you read YOUR decision will be the right one. Enjoy the night(s) off, you so deserve it!!!
Oh stop it! You guys are all so nice! TrudieJ, can’t believe you met The Barker.
Yeah well, it’s true, but I have just discovered when you STOP breastfeeding and stop burning huge amounts of calories per day, it can all turn back around pretty quickly. 2kg in 10 days. It’s obscene. Plus, obviously there is the whole deflation of breasts thing. That breastfeeding until child’s graduation (or political career high) is looking like a good option.
I felt guilty for 3 days and then went out and got smashed. I felt much better after that!
I was also very interested to find out what was the optimal weaning age… surely there had to be one? The whole pregnancy and birth physical experience is so amazingly well choreographed by your and the baby’s bodies, I felt that the breastfeeding process must have it’s own natural cycle too, but I couldn’t find any info on it. I went on the fact that cow’s milk can be given at 1 year and hearing from other mum’s I knew that their babies self-weaned around 1 year of age to think that that was a pretty optimal time. As it turned out I found that 1year was too soon for my son, as at 12 months he got severe gastroenteritis and the only thing he could keep down was breastmilk, and I felt thankful that I could give him that and didn’t have to feed him electroylite or whatever it’s called or Aquarius etc! That put the kibosh on my planned weaning at that time, because he was vomiting on and off for another 3 months… probably spanish public swimming pools in summer ;-P . After that I just started dropping a feed at a time, and I’ve got to say it felt quite natural, and that he was ready for it. Finally at 16 months we dropped the very last feed, and doing it this way I had no breast engorgement, and no emotional shocks, or any shocks in the way he responded. We prob could have gone on a bit longer, but like you I was under A LOT of pressure from the spanish in-laws, say no more!! (Of course I am ignoring all the mum’s issues like needing to return to work etc here). Unfortunately he is now “addicted” to the bottle, sigh, and so commences the next battle…..
I saw quite a few posts where Mum’s talked about getting irritated by baby demanding their breast etc and wondering if they should stop breastfeeding. I think the answer is Yes. If you’ve been breastfeeding for a year, two years and it starts to irritate you rather than be as enjoyable as it was, I kind of think that’s your body trying to tell you something. But I didn’t get that far so I am probably not in a position to really say. Still, so often, with hindsight, we think we should have listened to our “gut”.