Things I forgot about having a newborn – part two

This is me.

For those of you who didn’t read my earlier brilliant analysis – here is a link.  I almost forgot to write a second part. Yes, I do see the irony in that. (Is that actually irony? In amongst the whole Alanis Morisette irony debacle I think I actually forgot the real meaning). Anyhoo, I’m four months in now and still my brain is remembering things that I had forgotten. Call it baby brain, call it Mother Nature’s insidious way of getting you to have another one, call it my memory was never that good to start with. Whatever, here are some more…

1.  If you are a freakish nerd trying to get your beloved child into a routine, they are extremely difficult to keep awake for soooooo long. And then suddenly one day you realise you haven’t had to walk them outside all day and they’ve been playing on their mat happily for half an hour without passing out arms up and legs akimbo. It’s about this stage you can start to really get into day time telly. Just don’t get sprung by your husband watching it with a bag of crisps on the couch and the baby on their playmat in the corner. What? No, didn’t happen to me. I hate TV. And crisps. Mmmmmmcrisps.

2. At some point, people stop saying ‘HOW old is the baby? Oh my god, you look amazing!’ and they just look sympathetic about how crap you look. I think it’s about when you stop describing the baby’s age in weeks and start in months. Four months and it’s all over – you didn’t ‘just’ have a baby apparently. (Personally I managed to stretch it out for a while longer, but I suppose as the Bear turned two it was time to stop blaming him for my thighs.)

3. You can hope that breastfeeding  makes ‘the kilos just drop off’ (a la every celebrity ever to have appeared in Hello following their birth) but no amount of feeding can keep up with the three-cupcake-a-day habit that develops in the early weeks when everyone brings you food. Seriously, my friends think they are Marie Antoinette.

4. Another baby will come along who is newer than your baby. They will take all the glory and your baby will be left in the baby shadows. Grit your teeth – inside you know that your baby is the cutest and will totally make a comeback.

5. Your partner will be annoying. You will be annoying. You will annoy yourself. Mostly your partner will be annoying. It could just be tiredness. It’s almost definitely the tiredness. Check the label – was he annoying beforehand?

6. They look like wizened little old men when they are born and then bang, you look at them one day and realise they don’t, they’re growing up. It’s wonderful but a bit sad.

7. And then they sleep through the night and in the frenzy of high fiving going on with your partner, you totally get over the sadness.

And in a clever addition to this post (call it the added extra or the happy finish if you will) – here is something I did not KNOW until having my second newborn:

8. Once you have two children, you are automatically an expert on child rearing. People ask you things and expect you to know the answer. It’s true that my friends call me Yoda as I am so wise (and not because I am short and have a tendency to sit around a lot), but someone asked me the other day when their child would grow out of their dummy. I mean, WTF? Of course I gave them the answer – never. Your child is never ever going to grow out of it. They will likely get married with it in.

All knowing I am.

photo credit: Streetsim