Things I forgot about having a newborn – part 1

1. They are very very small. I haven’t run into one parent yet who doesn’t exclaim ‘Oh, I forgot how small they are!’ I understand when you’ve got older children but someone who had a three month old baby said it to me the other day. She’s forgotten already? Maybe it’s a hormonal thing…                                                                                                 
2. They don’t do much. Dare I venture that they are a weeny bit dull? I might get struck down by the motherhood gods for saying that, but honestly – they sleep, they eat, they make funny faces. The sum total of their skills is the occasional coo and a grimace that might, just might, be a smile if one was squinting in the right light.
3. They poo. A lot. But it doesn’t smell that bad. Someone told me once it was like popcorn - would we say popcorn?? I wouldn’t go that far but it’s not that bad.
4. When they do smile it’s pretty amazing.
5. They have acne, bags under their eyes and goopy stuff up their nose. It is very hard to resist from squeezing acne and picking their noses. Possibly that is just me.
6. They are extremely portable – you have to remember not to leave them under restaurant tables. Possibly that is just me again. I seem to be coming off as the world’s worst mother in this post.
7. They sleep a lot. Not necessarily at the right times (god bless the middle of the night wake ups) but there is a lot of downtime – you can have a coffee, read a paper and eat your lunch. Sure, you might fall asleep in your sandwich but the option is there.
8. When they wake for the sixth time in the night your husband might yell abuse in the newborn’s general direction. It’s not personal, he does love her I promise. This post is getting worse. Please don’t report me to the authorities.
9. They go from scrawny chicken legs to podgy little rubber band ringed legs very fast. People will comment on how they have grown every time you see them. Babies do that, you know – grow. It would be worrying if they hadn’t grown, yes? Or were doing a Benjamin Button. Actually, that would be more than worrying, that would be freaky – imagine looking into the pram and seeing Brad Pitt’s adult face looking back at you. We all love Brad, but not in a Bugaboo.
10. You want them to stay a baby forever. But then you want them to grow up and start walking and talking. But then you worry about wishing their babyhood away, but of course you want to see them blossom. Then you look at your screaming 2 year old lying on the floor covered in ice-cream and mud* and decide you definitely want them to stay a baby forever.

*I didn’t cover him in ice-cream and mud as some sort of weird ritual. He did it to himself. But by accident, not through neglect. PLEASE don’t call the authorities.

photo credit: efleming